Much to my surprise, I am experiencing a divine intervention as I launch the Marrying Yourself Journey. As I, myself, sign up and embark on the Marrying Yourself Journey, and I am mindfully making my way through the 18 modules I created this year, I am paradoxically experiencing myself as a deer in headlights. I am discovering (and confessing here) that I find myself to be in a major codependency “flare-up” and perhaps even more accurately called, a “Take over!”
        This codependent flare-up is not about a romantic interest as my younger codependent self was all about. (So it was a little harder to recognize!) Rather, my current active codependency is in relation to every being in my life who is in need of some sort, from my animals, clients, family, friends, trees, insects, political and social causes, commitment to our country remaining a democracy, on and on.
          As I quiet and listen to ocean waves, I can see into what is driving my over the top full and busy schedule. Anticipatory grief. Yup, that deep fear of experiencing anticipated losses and the reality of impermanence that we all share. With every cell of me, I am so attached to everyone I love — and my life as it is. The good news is that I love my life so much. The bad news is that whether I fear it or not, change is an absolute and everything and everyone I love will leave their bodies. Everyone and everything.
         As the years march me through my precious 6th decade, I know what awaits me, sooner than later, is this experience of loss and this is what my busy busy life helps me to avoid thinking about. It is the force that keeps it going. Under the “go, go, go” is the fear of mortality — mine and others. And, I must say, this attachment to our forms is no easy thing to let go of! Silly me. As if somehow, being occupied by focusing on so many other beings, I will be less invested in my own life and thus, less impacted when the big losses happen.
         I do not think this is unusual for people to be occupied with the care of others. It is the feminine wiring within us all that insists on attending to others first, over-booking, over-functioning, over-caring, over do-ing, over… and over… being focused on another. Instead of being right here, first with myself. First with yourself. Right here. Breathing first into your own being, occupying yourself with mindfulness, care, loving attention, YOU FIRST — before your awareness goes to others. Try this on: you breathe into your own being — fill with the presence of prana, (life energy, breath) Mindful Embodiment, here, now...My mantra right now is Me with me, I am with me, I am with me. It is helping the energy to turn inward and coups me and for this while, release other occupants. I want to share these magical words with you. Say it yourself, “I am with me.” “Me with me.” Once you are truly more anchored inside of you, different choices might be made. Once anchored deeply within, discernment and boundaries are natural in where and how to focus energy.
         Here at the beach, returning to myself, I find myself to be child-like and playful. In contrast to when I focus on someone else and their needs, enacting positive parent energy, I find myself responsible, present, and of service. Very Adult. It is good to have inner child time.
         If I turn my world upside down by making playfulness and wonder truly a priority, then different choices at different times will be made. I will be more protective and less boundless in giving my energy to others. Sometimes, boundaries will be the call in the form of speaking the word “NO” — including when it is so hard not to say yes and show up for another. Recovery sometimes comes in the form of communicating: “NO” (to others) IS “YES” (to Myself!) Let’s try on this exercise. The Practice of Saying, No to others and Yes to yourself. Practice this shamelessly because you do not need to worry that you will become stingy with your time and nervy. But rather, we are aiming for more self-protection and discernment. Practice saying NO to the “out there” needs and saying YES to the “in here” needs. Do it with body motion.
         Try it in these two different ways: Bring one hand palm facing out and say no: then bring that hand to yourself, and say yes. Try it on. Do it over and over. See how it feels, and keep doing it, even if it’s uncomfortable. We are aiming to pendulum swing the codependent’s world that usually says yes to others and no to oneself. So, practice this shamelessly.
        Now, try this one one: Bring your hand out with the “no” — and then turn your hand with palm up as it is extended out and lift it up, so you are offering support to this person to tune in Vertically and you are releasing this to Spirit and then you swoop your same hand, from above, to yourself, your own body, with a yes. This is the spiritual version. I love how it feels. Practice this over and over. See how it feels to you.
        I am fully committed to retrieving myself and creating me with me as a higher priority. The Marrying Yourself Journey indeed helps! I commit to focusing on the present moment. I commit to the practice of being with myself first before attending to another. I am with me. And, I am committed to balancing out my attachments to this life by focusing on the essence and love and light that never ever dies that is our true nature. And, I commit to prioritizing playfulness and wonder, which naturally help to re-route myself back to me.
         Bottom line, how we actually spend our time is what we actually prioritize. How do you need to shift how you spend your time so that you are prioritizing yourself and what truly nurtures your spirit? How can the Marrying Yourself Journey help you with this? Join me in making your own refined corrections so that you occupy you with yourself more. So that loving attention begins with yourself.


Lovefully,
Devajoy