The word “selfish” is given a bad rap, especially for people who tend to be codependent.  For a recovering codependent like myself, embracing the word “selfish” has been totally liberating and a big step in my recovery.  Self-ish.  Full of Self.  First of all, what a breakthrough!  A codependent needs to first get to know who her self is before she can be “selfish.”  This, in and of itself, is a major accomplishment! 

I remember in the later 1980’s when I was first going through my recovery in codependency, I practiced asking myself over and over “What do I want?” Yes, what do I want?  I had no idea because I was so used to really believing that what I “wanted” was whatever you “needed” from me—or at least what I thought you needed.  This process of asking myself was more important than the answer.  (Thank Goddess, because at that time, I had no idea what I really wanted!)

The question invited me to turn inward… to find the “me” that I was addressing the question to!  And then the next step was to claim myself as priority—to make myself count… to make myself number one.  And then, ahhhh… to honor the answers that began to come… 

Codependents often feel “selfish” when they start to give to themselves – or even protect themselves.  I allowed myself to fall in love with being “selfish.” I felt a richness grow inside myself as I learned to be more self-oriented.  That is when I learned to say “no” to others.  I started noticing that sometimes when I said “yes” I would feel my body contract.  In my third ear listening, I could hear the crackling and contracting inside myself, as I wanted to please the person I was saying “yes” to.  The volume of the contraction would get to the point of intolerable discomfort. It was then that I found the courage to say, “You know, I know I just said yes, but I actually need to say no.  That doesn’t work for me right now!”  Each time I did this I shamelessly and joyfully claimed myself more and learned the joys of “selfishness”.

Selfishness for a recovering codependent is something to be celebrated.  I have this card that I never gave to anyone.  I secretly knew it was for me—so I finally gave it to myself!  On the cover, in big read letters, it reads BITCH.  Then, you open the card, and it says “Not a word, but an attitude!”  I love it.  The nice girl who always liked to please others absolutely needed this card.  There is something empowering about owning the inner bitch.  Willingness to be true to myself above being “nice”!

As a woman, it is so important to fine tune that inner third ear… to listen to your body, to say YES to your Being—which at times means disappointing and displeasing others.  Saying “no” is a function of boundaries.  I exist.  I count. I have needs.  I have preferences.  And no, this is not one of them.  No thank you.  No.  This doesn’t work for me.  No, I don’t want to.  No.  I don’t want this.  I am not rejecting you.  I just don’t want to. 

Selfish?  It’s radical.  It can transform a life so that you feel like you are the main character in your own movie and not the supporting actor!